the Weather.

SUPERBOWL...tonight!!! GO COLTSSSS.

so i havent really felt like writing any blogs lately. i guess im just busy with school/work, lonely, and going through a funk. i swear, its the weather.

How happy is the little stone
That rambles in the road alone,

And doesn't care about careers,

And exigencies never fears;

Whose coat of elemental brown

A passing universe put on;

And independent as the sun,

Associates or glows alone,

Fulfilling absolute decree

In casual simplicity.

-Emily Dickinson

Villian

i wish i was fearless.
that i wasn't too scared to take chances, to put a story to my life.
Comfort really is the villian. The familiarity, the pattern of your life..its tempting to stay in your bubble forever. and then you finally see your life through new eyes, how it really is. and guess what, its kinda boring. if you really want to start your life, to have a story, your going to have to go through discomfort and yes, change.

i always remember the camp i worked at in missouri last summer (kaa) and that first night. i was extremely nervous, and i arrived late. i remember entering the gym, and realizing i knew no one. i was alone. that night, while lying in bed,  i cried. i didn't want to be there. i couldn't remember the reason i came. the next couple of days, things started to change. i made friendships with some of the most amazing people and i was challenged by working with inner city kids. i was so uncomfortable and scared in the beginning, but the results were so much bigger, so much more rewarding. after that month, i felt different. i began to experience and remember that there is some kind of meaning to this life. i don't want to stay the same, being smothered in comfort.       

i want to grow.
Lord, I am yours. use me, mold me. if i have to step out of my bubble, then so be it. i love You.

joy and love

I am discouraged.

do you ever feel inadequate to tell of God's love?

i want this person to experience the joy and love i have and why i have it.
i am not seeking a debate. i just want him to know, to understand.
I pray to see what others see, to know where they are coming from.

And Lord, please soften a hardened heart.

Robert E. Lee

i have become a history junkie lately. its in my blood, i grew up on vacations consisting of civil war battlefields. aaand my sister is a history teacher.
this christmas break, i have managed to watch Band of Brothers and Into the West.
great miniseries, everyone should watch them! but there is so much evil in our history. No matter how many times i learn about it, i still grow numb hearing about the holocaust. or just the atrocity of war. And even seeing how cruel and selfish we were with the indians. one thing about our past is that evil is always present.

as a middle child, i have always felt like everything needed to be fair. if my sister got new clothes, then i expected new clothes. it just had to be fair. i think this mindset is the reason i am so confused with everyday happenings, because i think everyone has experienced that life is anything but fair. this stumps me, and i always find myself getting angry at God for letting terrible things happen. i beg for understanding. and i always find myself asking the same question, "why would You let this happen?"

and then i start thinking, maybe im asking the wrong question.

Lord, how can you forgive us for doing this to eachother?

Yahweh, i am so sorry for my doubt. i may not have understanding, but i have my faith in You. and that is enough.

Good ole C.S. Lewis

"The complaint was the answer. To have heard myself making it was to be answered. Lightly men talk of saying what they mean […] When the time comes to you at which you will be forced at last to utter the speech which has lain at the center of your soul for years, which you have, all that time, idiot-like, been saying over and over, you’ll not talk about joy of words. I saw well why the gods do not speak openly, nor let us answer. Till that need can be dug out of us, why should they hear the babble that we think we mean? How can they meet us face to face till we have faces?"

----C.S. Lewis, Till We Have Faces

I read this book today. ^     It made me more aware of the importance of sincerity and being truly honest with yourself. Sometimes I struggle with hiding or denying my true motives because I am ashamed. I even deny it to myself. I think once you admit the real reasons behind your actions and thoughts, the more easily you can change.

INEVITABLE.

yesterday i found one of my old stuffed animals. she was a cat and her name was angel. i used to carry her everywhere i went, and one time sarah stole her and i flipped. she was just that comfort, that one stuffed animal/blanket/etc that people cling on to when they are young. but i completely forgot about her. and seeing angel made me get a bit sentimental. i just couldn't help looking through my past, all those memories. it saddened me. i want to go back. i loved my childhood, i felt so safe. i didn't appreciate it enough. i can still remember crying for hours on christmas eve because i didnt think santa claus was going to come since i couldn't fall asleep. or when me and josh would jump for hours on the trampoline with the sprinkler.

it was all just so easy and simple. it just stinks that i cant ever go back. i wanted to go to high school so bad and "grow up." i was so naive, because thats when the fairytale of childhood went away. it was the start of making my own choices, trying to fit in and figure out who i am, begin to have responsiblity, fight pressures and figure out standards, betrayals/gossip, and family sickness. Everything wasn't "so simple" anymore.

but it was a time to lean on my Saviour, to learn what a real relationship with God is all about. (and yes, im still learning). it was a time to figure who I am, through Christ. 

you know what, i can't ever go back. but im still young, that chapter may be over. but i still have, God willing, a huge chapter left. our childhood is for learning, so it can shape us into what we are today. appreciate this next chapter, for you have no excuse to hold back.

blahhh.

Today has been one of those days--the kind where you feel guilty at the end because you got nada accomplished. yesss, it all happened this morning when i woke up. i had an agenda for today. i had alot to get done. and then i looked in the mirror to see that my left eye was randomly swollen. not a pretty sight.i then crawled back in bed, deciding that today was going to be a "lazy day." I read for awhile. I'm rereading Gone With the Wind - gosh i wish Rhett Butler wasn't fictional. and that i lived in the 1800s. Later i began watching desperate housewives on netflix. this act was completely random, because ive never watched that show before. i actually like it and have come to envy bree's hair. I did decide to eventually go out, swollen eye and all, and get lunch. This though is a hard thing to do while living in a tiny tiny town. I did not want to see anyone, all i wanted to do was get subway. But of course, living in greenbrier, i saw at least three or four people i knew. one person honked their horn (why does everyone know my purple sunfire) and i recognized some people at subway. i had to give small talk and explain the eye. it was just dandy.

my eye did finally return to normal size, but not until ten at night. and don't get me wrong,i do think people deserve a lazy day now and then. but not today for me, i feel BLAH. i just hate that i wasted today. these kind of days always put me in sad/weird moods.

i will be kept busy tomorrow though. im going to do last minute christmas shopping, run for my half marathon training, watch its a wonderful life with emily chambers :-) , and possibly go downtown and swing by hollywood disco. days are precious.

Pandora

THREE SEMESTERS DOWNNN. whoo.

of course, the two teachers that i've come to loathe the most have not posted my grades up yet. cmon, it's been a week.

but it's good to be home. yesterday, my moms side of the family came over for an early christmas party. there were little kids everywhere. somehow my room became the "cool" room for all my little cousins to hang out in. thank goodness their cute :)

and this morning we skipped church (hehe) and decorated christmas cookies. and then we went to see Avatar in 3D. it was amazing. i want to be an avatar and live in pandora, seriously. it was just so beautiful there. people always say heaven is going to be indescribeable. well, pandora is the closest my imagination can fathom of heaven. i know i know, its just a movie with some cool effects.
i also noted some hidden parallels in the movie. I feel like the director/screenwriter was kind of hinting a comparison of the USA and third world countries. United States being "earth" and avatar being the third world countries. i guess we do kinda push people around. poor indians.


but i have to hit the sack because come early morning, i will be filing mountains of charts. gotta love moola.

all kinds.

judgement.

why do we sometimes think we are better than others? it's my biggest pet peeve when you look at someone and think their "bad." i mean, how can you think that when you don't even know them. Each person has a story. Our duty is to love people. Leave the judging to God.

it's just hard to be around others who stick their nose up to people who aren't following their checklist of rules.

i enjoy getting to know all kinds of people and finding their story, and i think there is a difference between acceptance and love. i mean, if we turn our backs on people, how are we ever going to build a relationship with them and share&discuss our beliefs.

I guess that's why im getting involved with the YoungLife ministry. we go after them. we don't try to shove our beliefs down their throats. we build relationships with them, and gain their trust. and when the opportunities arise, then we share.

i just think people need to really sit down and read the Bible. Look to see who Jesus really was when He graced us on Earth. I think once you really see who Jesus is, you can understand what Christianity is all about and the way we are supposed to love.

afj;jfdjkj

My speech teacher gave me this poem tonight. I really enjoyed it, so im sharing it with you :)

Anyway

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;

Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;

Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;

It was never between you and them anyway.

by Mother Teresa

I also was looking at SYTYCD videos on youtube...yeah thats what i do when i get bored. and i love this dance, so watch it yo.